Curiosity and Connection vs. Control

When I’m living in my “highest parenting self” moments and respond to my child’s vulnerability with genuine curiosity and thoughtful questions, I AM OFTEN AMAZED at their ability to think deeply, grow in new ways, draw thoughtful conclusions and create THEIR OWN empowering action plans.

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For example, when my child tells me about an “annoying,” or “rude,” or “mean” person - these are some of the questions that may be a part of that type of conversation. Hopefully these spark an idea that can be useful/helpful for fellow parents out there:

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“That sounds really hard. What felt most frustrating to you about this situation?”

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“It sounds like this person feels angry, have you considered what they may be experiencing in their life outside of school that could be hard for them right now?”

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“Wow, that’s a tricky situation to be in the middle of! What are some ideas you can brainstorm to navigate through this?”

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“That must’ve felt painful, I’m sorry. Did this experience teach you something new about yourself that might help you in future situations?

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“I can sense how upsetting this was, I’m sorry sweetheart. Do you have any thoughts on setting a boundary in this relationship and/or respectfully speak your truth? What do you feel would be a helpful choice for you to make right now?”

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“It sounds like this was a really hard day and what you need is just a listening ear - I am right here to listen. It’s perfectly okay to just feel these sad/mad/angry/frustrated feelings.”

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Realizing that we don’t have to “fix” our children or “solve” all of their problems is a gift on SO many levels!!

See the good. Be the good.

A fellow mother once said to me (concerning our minimalist media approach) "You can't keep them from reality forever you know!" To that I respectfully respond that media, by and large, isn't reality. Media isn't the whole story. Media is backed by financial gains. Media, even news, is sensationalized and often hyper sexualized.

"Reality" is that most people are good. Reality is that most people don't look like people in the media. Reality is that true joy does not come from stuff, or self indulgence, or social status. Reality is that most people want to be loved, feel needed and be contributors.

We are responsible to help our children develop the lens through which they see this world. We are helping shape their reality, their experience in the world....

but when my teenager came down late last night in tears because she was shaken about what happened in Vegas, I felt unequipped to respond. We slowly dove back into the "This world is filled with so much good, find the good, be the good" talk, but what we said didn't feel right enough or wise enough or good enough. Because what happened was indeed, reality.

As I sit on this plane headed to Vegas I'm feeling grief for the thousands of people who will be affected by this tragedy for the rest of their lives. I'm feeling protective of the the four innocent children that we brought into this world. I'm feeling aware that I am responsible for how I see the world. I am striving to see the good, be the good and remember the good...and sometimes that can be hard, even for a mama bear.

Surprise

We nailed it! They've been begging to see Coldplay ever since Cody and I went to the concert earlier this year. Tickets purchased eons ago, 

but we kept it a secret until we walked through the doors. It. Was. EPIC!

GO BUCKS

Cody has wanted to take Brinley to a game since we moved here.
This Saturday that dream came true.

I was confident she would last one quarter, if that, in the freezing cold...
she surprised us all by insisting to stay until the very last play.

Cody said that she was entertained by everything but the game.
The big screen, cheerleaders and by Brutus the mascot.

Reports are that she emphatically sang along to all of the fight songs and
joined in on all of the cheers!

Go "O" hio

It was a fantastic daddy-daughter date!

Tomorrow morning Cody and I will be flying HERE. Stay tuned to find out why.


And last but not least, here is the picture of us with our Parenting HERO
John Rosemond.

I will be finishing the book in hand on the flight tomorrow. Can't wait!

Roller Skating Babies

Observe as Avery watches THIS clip. (note: this is pre-hair cut head)
It's her fave (so is THIS one) and every time I'm on the computer she pleads to watch it.

She pleads because she knows that often times I say "not today."

Why?

Because it's good for kids to frequently be reminded that the world does not revolve around their wants and desires.

It's good for kids to learn to deal with disappointment in appropriate ways.
Avery often times chooses to display inappropriate behavior when reacting to adverse situations...and therefore she has the opportunity to throw mighty tantrums in the confines of her own crib in her own room with the door shut so that the rest of the household is not bothered. There she can scream and yell and be as angry as her little heart desires 'till the cows come home and when she is finished we happily welcome her back into our company.

Tonight Doctor Young and I will be heading off to a LONG AWAITED lecture given by our #1 parenting expert/idol/hero/my mom even lived by his counsel when raising us
John Rosemond!

When did I become the kind of person who is so thrilled to go to a lecture about
parenting anyways?

Tried and True

THIS man has taught us so much about responsible and effective parenting.
His guidance assisted my Mom as she raised us on her own many moons ago, now he has become our parenting guru, and if you are raising children you will be grateful for him too.

I HIGHLY recommend signing up for his free weekly newsletter by going HERE!
You can also get a membership to search his Q&A archives and ask questions to him directly.
Arian and Jill gave us a year long membership as a gift last Christmas and it's been a priceless tool as we navigate our parenthood path.



Here is someones question that was recently answered.
I happened to totally agree with the answer.

Question:

We are in a financial class in our church by David Ramsey and he does not believe in just giving an allowance. He says you should pay the children a commission for work. He believes then they associate work with money. He doesn't think they should just have money given to them.
What do you think?

Answer:

This commonplace thinking is misguided I am afraid. If you sit down for a minute and think this through you will realize that you already know the truth. Contributing to your family is a character building privilege and should always be an act of love and loyalty in every case without exception. Children should be taught the importance of being a loving, responsible and contributing member of a FAMILY without being paid for it! Now when you sit down and think about paying your children for contributing to their family...doesn't this sound a little strange to you with this perspective considered?

In a recent research study, with a focus on looking at why young people became involved in gangs, one particular and very interesting finding emerged. From the group of young people who never became involved with gangs they found only one consistent characteristic that was dominant. All of these children who never became involved with gangs all had household responsibilities as children, where those who became involved with gangs consistently did not. Being a contributing member of a family fosters a strong sense of "belonging" that all children long for. As I have often said, if you do not foster this in your children then someone else who you might not like very much CERTAINLY WILL!

As far as "associating work with money" goes, this is simply and easily accomplished when all children watch Mom and Dad leave in the morning for work with no other teaching required...Children are young and innocent for a while but certainly not unaware of the realities of life around them. Let's give them a little more credit.

As a father, I contribute to my family based on loyalty, love and commitment and not for a $20 bill someone shoves into my hand. How about you? "That will be a $1.00 each labor charge for the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I just made for you and your sister." What motivation would you prefer for your child? Would you prefer in this overly materialistic world that it is CASH? Paying children for "chores" robs them of the personal sense of self worth they should be taught to feel about their value and importance as contributing members of a family.... A family that they love, care for....and belong to!
Best wishes and happiness.