My Answer is YES

This weekend we spent time with a beautiful family who is in the process of awakening. The Mother left four months ago and her husbands shelf came painfully crashing down two weeks ago. He is admittedly in the “will I ever feel happy and normal again phase.” One of his questions to us was “Do you really feel happy and how?” I am going to share with you my answer to this question, because hopefully it can help someone here.

My answer: Whole heartedly, undeniably, enthusiastically YES YES YES, and here are just a few reasons why:

1. 
   
2. 
   
3. I have felt an unquenchable thirst for learning, and that thirst has sent me on a journey that has awakened my soul in a way I truly NEVER thought was possible. My mind feels like it has literally exploded, in a good way, into new realms and new awakenings, that bring more beauty,
4. presence and joy into my life.
5. 
   
6. 1. Navigating our transition skillfully meant learning new relationship skills that have proven to positively impact every relationship. Learning how to implement boundaries, determine levels of vulnerability and operate from an inner space that feels rooted and thoughtful - it has been SO empowering.
7. 
   
8. 2. My body/soul actually FEELS lighter - it’s true! It has been SO healing and joyful to shed layers of shame, never “enoughness,” sticking to a script/program and a culture that was, at times, in opposition to my personal core values.
9. The relationships we have with our children have evolved into a more authentic space, leaving us feeling more in tune, more real and more connected to them. My biggest fear in leaving the church was our children, yet now we feel that we have given them a wonderful gift.
10. 
    
11. 3. Our marriage has expanded in ways that would have never been possible in the church. I want to be sensitive here, because I know that the opposite can be true, and that literally makes my heart hurt. For us, fortunately, we feel more real, more seen, more loved and just happier now together than we did in the past.
12. 
    
13. 4. MORE TIME - HELLO! We had NO idea how much time and effort actually went into church contributions, especially for Cody. Not only do we have Sundays, but now Saturdays are not jam packed with getting ready for Sunday - so they are more relaxed too. We also have less stress throughout the week. No more early am seminary, midweek and weekend youth activities, etc… Oh the gift of time, it has been so precious!
14. 
    
15. 5. I feel LESS fear for my children and LESS fear in general in my life. I notice that I tend to see more goodness in the world and feel less us vs. them. As I see humanity without a lens of judgment (which by the way I didn’t think I had until my shelf crashed) I am able to see that we are surrounded by goodness, it is truly everywhere!
16. 
    
17. 6. THE PEOPLE. The post mormon community is simply INCREDIBLE and we have made friends that feel like instant family. We have felt embraced by love and acceptance. We lost a tribe, yes, and we gained a tribe who unconditionally accepts us - it’s just awesome!
18. 
    
19. 7. I feel a sense of power in my life as I have been willing to live my truth, publicly and openly, and accept that many will judge and many will fall away. Facing this reality and walking through it has been such a growth opportunity, both painful and absolutely beautiful. I feel freed to live more truthfully in all areas of my life.
20. 
    
21. 8. We’ve replaced old traditions with new traditions and rituals that make my heart sing! Instead of going through the motions of FHE/scripture study, etc… because “they said so,” we now get to choose how to grow, how to learn, how to operate in ways that our inner compass is leading us into. It is so SO wonderful and comes without outside pressures or “righteous obligatory” feelings.
22. 
    

And there is more, so much more! I LITERALLY cried for 6 months straight folks. Those were THE hardest and saddest and scariest months of my life, and YOU may be there now. Please please know this - THERE IS SO MUCH HOPE FOR YOU! You truly are moving through a phase of grieving a death of epic proportions to allow for new life and new growth and new light and happiness into your life. Take your time. Love yourself through it and

just know that the light WILL come!

The gift of Differentiation

One of the most beautiful attributes we have learned through our awakening is how healthy differentiation works in relationships and in family systems. This is a foundational principal that can be found in all healthy relationships, however, is often lacking in strict/high demand religious environments and families where conformity is critical.

Often as I am coaching with parents leaving Mormonism, we talk about how they can honor their children by demonstrating and teaching differentiation. Because we were programmed to think and believe the exact same thing, without question, most find themselves needing to play catch up in how to feel safe when those closest to us may feel differently about certain topics.

This is a very brief post on the topic I contributed to @parenting.aftermormonism:

Remember that as you move forward on this journey, everyone is entitled to their own feelings and experience of it. Each person in your family will process and grieve and experience this transition differently. Honor your children during times when they may feel differently than you. Teach them what compassionate understanding looks like as you offer true love and understanding to them during their times of struggle. Understanding without time limits, expectations or value judgements. Teach them how you value differentiation, meaning that everyone in the family is allowed to feel differently about things and they will still fully belong and be loved fully in the family. You are giving your children a beautiful gift by helping them realize that your family does not have to all fit into the same "belief box." For the rest of their lives they will interact with friends, teachers, spouses, neighbors, colleagues, etc...who think, believe and act differently. To teach children to hold space for, and not feel threatened by, people who do things and think things entirely different than they do, is to offer them one of THE MOST VALUABLE relationship skills.

A Graduate Course

This is a contribution to @parenting.aftermormonism on Instagram. I recently took this account over, and that means I contribute more and am looking for others to participate by offering content as well.

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I've come to feel a deep reverence as I look back and consider our faith awakening/crisis because I see it as one of THE GRANDEST teaching “tools” for our children of all time. As crazy as it may sound, I do feel thankful for the massively painful layers of transition my children have had to face.

They’ve faced loosing friends, being judged by family and feeling cast off by their once safe religious tribe. All of these experiences, in one way or another, will happen to everyone, in different ways, and at different times. Everyone’s child will have to move through painful and unfair experiences in their lives.

Learning the truth about the church and leaving it has offered a “graduate course” experience for our impressionable children. They have grown in such breathtaking ways

that they NEVER could have otherwise.

In the beginning I was SO angry about how immoral it was that had to grieve, feeling betrayed by an organization that taught and claimed honesty. They cried so many tears of sadness, it still pricks my heart just thinking about it. However, now I can feel thankful for the refining fire that propelled our girls into a higher dimension of awareness and compassion, offering them navigation tools that will help them more confidently and successfully navigate the bumpy terrain of their lives.