Christmas Post for Parenting After Mormonism

Oftentimes as parents transitioning out of the church struggle, we may feel uncomfortable with the new reality that we actually don’t have all the answers - especially the answers to what we may consider are THE most important questions. 

What we’ve learned in our transition has been that having the “answers” for our children was never actually the most important thing, rather fostering a home environment where exploration is applauded, differentiation is celebrated and where everyone feels heard, seen, valued, honored and loved - this is far more important, in my opinion, than parents who have all the answers. 

We recently facilitated a family conversation about Christmastime. I’ll do my best to offer a summary of it below, to capture how our parenting paradigm has changed from a linear, right/wrong, this is how it happened and here are all the answers, into what it looks like today. I will omit all the answers offered, for the sake of length, but I hope this can be helpful as you reconsider what feels supportive for your family this time of year:

“Christmastime is different for our family now, how does that make you feel? 

Some of us may feel sad, some of us may feel happy, and some of us may feel a bit confused, and girls, all of those different feelings are okay - we all can and will feel differently as old patterns shift. Can you tell us more about those feelings? 

What are some of the things that you miss about how we did Christmas before? What are ways that we can still honor those traditions that feel important, taking into consideration where everyone is at now in how they feel about the Jesus story? 

Jesus did offer a wonderful example, indeed, just as so many other people have who’ve lived throughout time and who are even alive today. What qualities do you admire in people? Who are some people with those qualities that you admire? 

It sounds like there are so many people who are living brave and giving lives that we can celebrate, just like how we celebrate Jesus during Christmas for the example he offered? 

How would it feel for you if in our family we made Christmastime a celebration of many brave people we admire, including Jesus? What are some things we can do to honor these kinds of people? Would you like to hear what actually happened historically when Jesus was born? 

(we read a historically accurate summary) 

Wow, isn’t it interesting how the story we hear about today is really different from what actually happened? How does that make you feel? Stories are really powerful in our culture, and they have been throughout much of human history. Sometimes we just believe the stories we are told, but look what happens as we dig deeper and question those stories - we get to discover new things!”

The framework for what we consider healthy conversations isn’t rooted in a right/wrong, good/bad paradigm anymore. Now that we have settled into a relationship with our children in which we don’t claim to have all the answers, we’ve felt more connected to them, in new and meaningful and more authentic ways. 

A Gift to Never be Forgotten

This is a letter that Brinley gave to me on my 38th birthday. 

The gift was this beautiful gold necklace and earrings. 

The letter and gift were profoundly meaningful to me.

Dear Mom,

I was thinking a lot about the different seasons of a testimony that Avery learned about at Girls camp and it was bothering me because I couldn’t figure out which season we fit into anymore. 

Our leaves on our tree aren’t “dead” - we’ve grown. They aren’t in “full bloom” - we don’t have a testimony of the church anymore. I decided they left a season out, the one that our family has stepped into, thanks to your bravery to step a toe out of the box, learn what broke your heart, and still keep going - THIS is the season of the golden tree, your leaves are golden now. 

You have stepped past dogma, needing validation from an organization and the approval of others in it. You’ve grown out of a belief system and into freedom with an open mind and more compassionate heart. This is the highest and most beautiful state of living. 

Your worthiness is no longer dependent on your conviction and how long your testimony stays in the “summer” phase. The golden tree isn’t a phase or a season, it is something you awakened; a place you can stay for the rest of your life. 

The big leaf on this necklace represents the awakening you led yourself through by letting the uncomfortable into your heart, right by where the necklace lays. The earrings have four little leaves on them, representing the journey you have guided us on, respecting each of our paths, even the turns that might feel uncomfortable to you. You have raised four little leaves and awakened us to our golden tree we never knew was there until you took the biggest leap of faith in your whole life. 

If I had to thank you for doing one thing for me in my 16 years, it would be telling me what broke my heart, changed my life, and ultimately led me to my golden tree. 

I love you Mama, happy birthday!

Love, Brinley. 

The gift of Differentiation

One of the most beautiful attributes we have learned through our awakening is how healthy differentiation works in relationships and in family systems. This is a foundational principal that can be found in all healthy relationships, however, is often lacking in strict/high demand religious environments and families where conformity is critical.

Often as I am coaching with parents leaving Mormonism, we talk about how they can honor their children by demonstrating and teaching differentiation. Because we were programmed to think and believe the exact same thing, without question, most find themselves needing to play catch up in how to feel safe when those closest to us may feel differently about certain topics.

This is a very brief post on the topic I contributed to @parenting.aftermormonism:

Remember that as you move forward on this journey, everyone is entitled to their own feelings and experience of it. Each person in your family will process and grieve and experience this transition differently. Honor your children during times when they may feel differently than you. Teach them what compassionate understanding looks like as you offer true love and understanding to them during their times of struggle. Understanding without time limits, expectations or value judgements. Teach them how you value differentiation, meaning that everyone in the family is allowed to feel differently about things and they will still fully belong and be loved fully in the family. You are giving your children a beautiful gift by helping them realize that your family does not have to all fit into the same "belief box." For the rest of their lives they will interact with friends, teachers, spouses, neighbors, colleagues, etc...who think, believe and act differently. To teach children to hold space for, and not feel threatened by, people who do things and think things entirely different than they do, is to offer them one of THE MOST VALUABLE relationship skills.

A Graduate Course

This is a contribution to @parenting.aftermormonism on Instagram. I recently took this account over, and that means I contribute more and am looking for others to participate by offering content as well.

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I've come to feel a deep reverence as I look back and consider our faith awakening/crisis because I see it as one of THE GRANDEST teaching “tools” for our children of all time. As crazy as it may sound, I do feel thankful for the massively painful layers of transition my children have had to face.

They’ve faced loosing friends, being judged by family and feeling cast off by their once safe religious tribe. All of these experiences, in one way or another, will happen to everyone, in different ways, and at different times. Everyone’s child will have to move through painful and unfair experiences in their lives.

Learning the truth about the church and leaving it has offered a “graduate course” experience for our impressionable children. They have grown in such breathtaking ways

that they NEVER could have otherwise.

In the beginning I was SO angry about how immoral it was that had to grieve, feeling betrayed by an organization that taught and claimed honesty. They cried so many tears of sadness, it still pricks my heart just thinking about it. However, now I can feel thankful for the refining fire that propelled our girls into a higher dimension of awareness and compassion, offering them navigation tools that will help them more confidently and successfully navigate the bumpy terrain of their lives.