I don't think anyone checks this blog anymore, but I am going to start adding content here for our children to access in the future. Dear daughters, I want you to remember my heart and our courageous awakening as a family - so this is for you - in the future.
Below is a post that I shared on several post-mormon support forums. In witnessing so many families transitioning, often their number one concern is their children - and so I've made efforts to encourage those families, those mothers,
with ideas as they move forward.
It’s always been a priority for me and my husband to parent in a deliberate and intentional way and the church felt like a huge part of that equation for us. I always felt the church programs, values and community would make up for my shortcomings - I felt it was like a wonderful safety net.
Needless to say one of the most terrifying parts of leaving Mormonism, for us, was facing the reality that we would loose the community and structure in which we had been raising our children for fifteen years! We would lay in bed just sobbing, night after night, about how this was going to affect our children. I simply can’t begin to count how many nights of sleep I’ve lost as my mind races to methodically navigate this huge shift in parenting.
I have yet to discover a book on “How to rip your kids away from the church and community you raised them in and continue to parent intentionally when your entire framework for life has shattered into a million pieces,” however, over the past year we have picked up the pieces, examined them, and decided which ones we want to keep as we create a new solid and grounded foundation from which to parent.
Based on many interactions since our Mormon Stories podcast aired, I know that we are not alone in the gripping fear that leaving Mormonism can have on parents raising children. So if you are feeling scared and worried about this, you are not alone!! After another message today about this parenting dilemma, I thought that there may be an audience for sharing a few tips about how we are now structuring our parenting framework.
I am going to be as concise as possible here, sharing a few of the initial changes we made and a little bit about how we are implementing new teaching methods.
- Create a family list of CORE VALUES. This advice came directly from John Dehlin during our “freak out” time, and it has been the anchor by which we have framed our new foundation. You can see our list of values in the show notes of our MSP on Mormon stories.com
- Create folders within You Tube/Facebook/Internet browser titled something along the lines of “to teach our children.” Then go on the hunt for Ted Talks/Documentaries/Lectures/Articles/interviews that have a message that aligns in some way with your families list of core values. The teaching resources available are LIMITLESS!
- PODCASTS for them. There are excellent podcasts for children of any age. We love listening to one called Kind World with our kids. There is another great one for kids called Dear Anxiety. Go on the hunt for podcast channels and episodes that align with your families core values.
- PODCASTS for you. There are WONDERFUL parenting podcasts, mindful podcasts and masterclasses available on apps like CALM. Learning and growing our own horizons is at the root of teaching our children as we are engaged in becoming the best version of ourselves - whatever that looks like to you.
- FIND your people. Connect with just a few families who you respect and admire. Ask these adults/children if they would be willing to Skype or join you in person to share a lesson on a core value that you appreciate about them.
- Have a book or two on hand near the kitchen table or living room, like Kitchen Table wisdom or Rebel Girls, something with short lessons or stories that align with your core values.
LIBRARY - so once you’ve done this you will have created a robust “library” of lessons, in a variety of forms, that can help you powerfully drive home your families decided upon core values. These resources are easily accessible in saved folders, you can even create “saved lists” by titles of each core value.
LEARNING - for our family it works best not to call teaching time anything formal. If we say “okay, family lesson time everyone,” just forget it - we have teens! However, we have family meals, family moments before bedtime, family car rides, and countless other togetherness times where we can just casually open up a book, bring up a topic from our “library” or click play on a Ted Talk. We find the pockets of time and do our best to fill them with intentional conversation around our values. Then we talk, we listen, we ask questions like “what would you do in this situation,” or “what core value does this lesson teach us.”
Something else we do is highlight the value centered efforts we observe our children making. “Wow Reese, you are really choosing kindness by making breakfast in bed for your sisters.” Or “Brinley, sticking up for that child who was made fun of at school, that really demonstrates what a compassionate and empathetic person you are becoming.” If you watch carefully, there is always something your child or children are doing that is worth praise and acknowledgement. Tying their efforts to your family values helps them identify this structure, this foundation you are creating together as a family.
In the morning ask them what core value they are going to work on that day. At the end of the day check in and see how it went. Ask them what core values they see in the person they admire or that teacher they respect. What core values do their best friends have? What values can they develop to be safe and loving people for others?
The conversations are literally limitless. The resources are abundant BEYOND measure! Wrap it all up around the values (not truth claims but VALUES) that you want to center your lives upon and then find time to teach them.
When you get far enough away from the pain and devastation of your new reality, you may even realize that you are able to be a BETTER parent(s) than you were before. You just may look back and realize that the church didn’t give you as much as you thought it did as a parent. Perhaps you will come to realize that some of it was actually very unhealthy. That’s our story. I absolutely believe that we can be better parents than we were before! I have a deeply rooted belief in US now and in our ability to be even more healthy and grounded as parents than we were before - AND I absolutely believe that YOU CAN TOO!
I am sure this is long enough for today. I hope some here will find these thoughts helpful. There is so much more on my heart that I may share in time! I have also created a list of 80+ of my favorite books, many of which are parenting books, and I am going to start sharing these once a week on social media. I will hashtag these posts #leahslist.
